#10 – Florida

Inspired by a news story from Miami Beach, Florida

I was a nervous wreck the day I brought the baby home from the hospital. An only child, I never babysat and I’ve only held a baby a few times in my life and only for a few moments, before handing it back as soon as I could. The maternity ward classes for new mothers covered the basics of baby care. If these were real classes, I would have failed. The only mother choosing not to breastfeed, I took the baby safety class twice instead. The diaper changing session was a disaster, ending in Ella crying when I twisted her leg. When I asked, “How many times a day do I have to do this?” the alarmed looks I got from the three other mothers made my face get hot. The lessons were held while Jeff was at work. A high school math teacher, he doesn’t like to take time off. All the other husbands attended at least one session, but I told him to not to bother. I didn’t want him to see how tense it made me to do anything with the baby, so I told him to save his time off for us to go somewhere nice later.

The first month, I didn’t take the baby out of the house and stayed with her day in, day out. Jeff’s mother and sister, Holly, came by a couple times a week, but did nothing but sit across from her making faces. Even though their visits seemed to make things harder, I agreed with my mother when she said, “I think you’re okay there without me, Cheryl. You have Jeff’s family helping you out.” I wanted her to stay in Ohio and not come visit.

I didn’t let Ella out of my sight, even when I showered. In her stroller, she was pushed all over the house with me. As I sat and watched her as she slept one day, Jeff told me, “I think you can leave her there for her nap and go do laundry or something.” But he didn’t know any more about babies than I did. I thought he said that because he had to go buy a couple packs of underwear after I didn’t get to washing clothes for three weeks.

When he came back from WalMart with the underwear and a baby monitoring system, I got the hint. The monitor’s box said, “You can even use the receiver in the kitchen or bathroom. The handy belt clip allows you to wear it as you move about your home, keeping your hands free for other activities.” Obviously, Jeff wanted my hands free to once  again wash the sink full of dishes, cook dinner, and iron his pants.

Ella was four months old and I still didn’t feel like I knew anything about taking care of her. One of my parenting books said it was all right to leave your baby unattended, as long as you were within the range to hear them fall or cry. Of course, I got to this part of the book way too late, after I already had cabin fever. A few days after Jeff set up the Angelcare monitors, I looked out our front window and saw the neighbors’ daffodils coming up. When Ella went down for her nap in the middle of the day, I took a walk around the block with the monitor on a belt loop. By the time I turned the street corner, I was out of range and the monitor cut out. I continued walking, going around the block as I’d planned.

The next day, I tried taking Ella out in the car. I pulled the little car seat belts too tightly and she kicked and cried, even after I loosened them. In the driver’s seat, as I was about to put the keys in the ignition, her scream reached an unbearable pitch, and just gave up. I felt a rage crawl up my body, starting in my knees. By the time it reached my neck, it was already in arms, making me punch the steering wheel. A noise came out of my throat I had never heard, a kind of moan and cry. What was happening? I didn’t want to be there; I didn’t want to be a mother. I looked back at Ella strapped in the car seat, with her right arm twisted in an awkward position. I thought I had fixed it. Seeing me looking at her, she stopped crying and looked at me puzzled. I took us both back into the house and put us down for naps. The trip to the driveway was enough for one day.

Knowing Ella would sleep three hours in the afternoon, I started taking longer walks while she slept. When she asked about the weather in Delaware, I told my mother about the flowers and birds I saw on my walks. She asked how Ella liked our walks, but I had never thought to take the baby with me. “She loves looking at the trees and all the attention she gets from the neighbors,” I lied. I also didn’t tell her that when I held Ella, I merely felt her weight and thought about her heart, her blood, and how it made her clothes warm. I looked into her eyes. She was a hungry baby looking around for the next person who would feed her. She grabbed my fingers and pulled my hair, but if I were not there, she’d grab and pull on someone else. It wasn’t me she needed; she simply needed to be kept alive.

On weekends, Jeff wanted to go out with the baby and me, but I asked him to go alone, to give me a break. So, he just stayed home, never going anywhere. His mother and sister told him that Ella would never become socialized if we didn’t take her out. Like I did with my mother, Jeff lied to them, telling them about made-up trips to the mall and the park. At first I fooled myself into thinking Jeff did this for me, but he spent most weekends in his basement computer room, playing video games. After my taste of independence, I went to the mall daily, reading books and drinking coffee at the Borders Café. Depending on Ella’s schedule, it was usually in the afternoons. But, the weekends were a shutdown of my new freedom, because I couldn’t leave.

Two weeks ago, a woman in biking shorts and a perky brown ponytail stopped at my table at Borders, “I want your life! Every day, you get to sit and read and you always look so blissed out! Are you a student?” I told her I was married and didn’t have to work, but wanted to eventually go back to school, not mentioning Ella. “Well, if you want to work out your body and not just your noggin,” she laughed while knocking my forehead lightly with her knuckles, “come by next door and take my spin class!” Debbie Forte handed me her personal trainer business card with a heart and a bicycle on it. “Thanks, I may do that,” I said, thinking I may actually do it.

Last weekend, while Jeff played videogames with his headphones on and Ella was asleep, I got into my car. Before putting it in reverse, I wondered if I should tell Jeff I was going to WalMart to get a few things. No. I told myself to just go. He won’t even notice you’re gone. After picking up our usual things, I searched the aisles for snack foods I hadn’t eaten for years, CheezIts, Pringles, and Dr. Pepper. I grabbed the latest Twilight book, Eclipse and another book with a little boy with a dunce cap on the cover, neither seemed like they would be about babies or husbands. Before stepping up to a register, I left behind the packages of diapers, baby food, and Jeff’s Entenmann’s coffee cake I had picked up during the first half of the shopping.

I drove past the northbound entrance to the highway and got on it heading south. The radio played Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”. I switched off the air conditioning, opened the front windows, and for the first time in a couple of years, I took a deep, long drag off a Camel Light. The year we married, Jeff and I quit smoking. He got fat and I started drinking coffee all the time. He was tired and lazy while I had all the energy in the world. I got pregnant the one time we synched up that year to have sex.

It’s been three days now. I’m at a Holiday Inn in Miami Beach, Florida. I’m not using any credit cards and I’m going to run out of cash soon. I haven’t missed Ella at all and feel relieved that other people are going to take care of her now. They’ll know what her noises mean and they’ll like that feeling of being needed. Jeff’s mother and sister probably have already brought him many trays of food. What could my mother could be saying or doing? She probably told Jeff, “I’m glued to the phone in case she calls me, so I’ll just stick at home.”

I think I’ll waitress here, or maybe clean houses. Something that won’t need an ID. Maybe I’ll change my name, maybe I’ll be Debbie Forte, former personal trainer.

REAL NEWS STORY used as inspiration for the short short story above

Missing Xenia mom found in Florida

Tehan was reported missing on April 17, 2010

Published : Thursday, 22 Apr 2010, 8:56 AM EDT

XENIA, Ohio (WDTN) – The missing Xenia mother and the man she was believed to be with have been found in the Miami Beach Florida area, according to Xenia Police.

Police said Tiffany Tehan and Tre Hutcherson are safe and she has been in contact with her family. She is no longer considered a possibly endangered missing.

Tehan, 31, was reported missing by her family on April 17, 2010.

Police said Tehan was last spotted on Saturday morning when she left home around 8 a.m. to go shopping at The Greene. Police said she then called her husband around 11 a.m. to tell him she was heading to The Kettering Recreation Center for a baby rummage sale.

Tehan did not come home at her scheduled time, and had not been heard from since. Police found her car abandoned at Indian Riffle Park Sunday morning.

Police began searching for Hutcherson Tuesday when surveillance photos from a convenience store on Smithville Road showed him with Tehan in the weeks before they went missing.

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